Supporting a Loved One Dealing with Trauma

Watching a loved one deal with the aftermath of trauma can be devastating. You may feel helpless and not know how to best support them. While they may have to confront their trauma and find healing by themselves, there are some powerful things you can do (and not do) to help them feel supported and emotionally safe while they are working through it. Here are some things to keep in mind:

· There is no timeline for trauma work- Like many challenges in mental health, it is impossible to know how long it will take for someone to process and heal from a trauma. But it is typically not a quick process. Confronting the traumatic event and the pain it caused takes lots of time and hard work. It is not uncommon for people to take a break from doing trauma work because it can be very taxing. Also, the trauma cannot be erased from your loved one’s life. They can grow and heal, but it will always be a part of their past. It’s not just a box to be checked off the to-do list. One of the best things you can do for your loved one is to let them know that it is ok for them to take as much time as they need and to not put pressure on them. It is also normal for your loved one to feel set back by a triggering event years down the road. This does not mean they have not done a lot of work to heal, but they may need to confront the trauma again. It usually does not take as long and is not as intense, but they will need your support again. 

· Trauma re-wires the brain- A traumatic event literally causes neuropathways to change. So, your loved one has to work hard to re-wire them again. While this is possible, it again can take a long time. This also means that your loved one is not able to control some of the ways they respond to the trauma or triggering events. The brain changes in response to a traumatic event in order to better protect itself (and your loved one) against something like it happening again. Even though your loved one may not need to worry about their trauma repeating itself, their brain does not know that. This is why they may have strong, visceral reactions to their triggers. You can help by letting them know you will be patient with them and do what you can to make them feel safe when this happens. 

· Triggers make your loved one feel as if they are reliving the trauma- Your loved one is not just reminded of the trauma, they can literally feel as if it is happening again. It can be helpful to remind your loved one that they are safe and to give them time and space to calm down. Ask your loved one if they feel comfortable sharing what their triggers are and how they would like you to show up for them if something comes up. It is ultimately up to them to work through those difficult moments, but your support can help them feel safe. 

No one wants to watch someone they love suffer, and it is hard to know that you are limited in how you can help. But your support means a lot to them! The best thing you can do for your loved one is to let them know you will be patient with them, help them to feel safe, and to educate yourself about how trauma works.